How to Be a Better Listener & Be Better at Conversations

Today I’m going to discuss about how to be a good listener & be better at conversations in your day to day lives. This helps you in many ways that you wouldn’t imagine. So, let’s dive right in! 

The Problem

So you start a conversation with someone.  It could be your friend, family, lover, a colleague, or a complete stranger. You might notice that as soon as you finish talking and the other person starts making some points, you either mentally drift away (so you are actually not listening to the person) or listening while mentally dismissing their points.

And then you interrupt them with your own, what you think are “better” points of view… Or thirdly, it might be that you cannot wait to correct the other person so that they agree with you, your ideas or political, or world view.

The other person might let you steam roll them a couple of times like this. But they will get more & more irritated as the conversation progresses. Because everyone wants their point of view or ideas to be heard. They want the person they’re having a conversation with to be a good listener.

Plus, undoubtedly, they believe that, what they are saying might actually be worth listening to. Just like you would as well. And it actually could be some information that you are completely unaware of. But the problem is, you just won’t make yourself listen let them.

So, what do you think is happening here? 

Maybe, plain and simple, you lack focus & attention and you’re a bad listener. You just can’t focus on anything or anyone for more than a few seconds. You always find that your eyes and thoughts tend to wander all the time, clouding your mind.  This is obviously something of a larger scope that you have to work on, to train yourself to focus more. 

Could Meditation be a Solution?

For starters, you might want to try a type of meditation, where you put in all your focus solely on your breathing. Try it out for a few minutes a day for a week to see for how long you can keep your focus before your mind drifts away. 

You will be able to see for how long, or not, you can keep your focus on the exhale/ inhale process. And also, whether any improvements will flow in to other areas of your life. For for example, it could be listening to someone, your work or your hobbies.  So that is a good one you might want to think about. You can read more about the benefits that meditation can bring to you, here.

And then for the other reason

Your ego:  You actually think that you are or your ideas are far superior to the other person’s. It could be that you actually think this on a conscious level, or it could be your subconscious. 

Either way, you will find yourself interrupting & interjecting the conversation with your point of view all the time.  You might always reply with a “No”, or a “But” or your own personal experience or your little “story” that you think that everyone should hear about! 

And you always enjoy giving information, but defer to being a good listener to the other person, because you consider their input to be not worth listening to… this is obviously a totally wrong way to go about things when having a conversation.

Whatever the reason is, you are losing here. 

Whether you lack attention, or you think you are a ‘know it all’, you are depriving yourself of knowledge, of broadening your world view, of getting to know some nuggets of knowledge that actually might help you one day. 

Because, all we know, is only what we already know, and nothing more.  And we are living in our own bubble of knowledge that we have accumulated through the years and that’s it.  So, if you don’t let outside information get through your defenses in to that bubble and make your reservoir of knowledge even more vast, you are the one who stands to lose. 

Being all ears, letting the other person speak

So, the next time you are having a dialogue with someone, make a concerted effort to actually concentrate on listening to what the other person is talking about. Give them some time to lay out their experience or story and show them that you’re being a good listener. 

Listening carefully for bits of useful information

Maybe what they say sounds like a load of nonsense, right?  But let’s just say that 50% or even 10 % of what they’re talking about actually makes sense.  I mean, surely there’s some information that has substance that is coming from them, right?  Whether it be a parent, grandparent, a friend or even a small child, whoever it is.

Getting the conversation going

So, once they are finished speaking, start your point with, a “Yes, I agree with what you are saying, but also…” or “You actually make some really good points here, and I would also add that…”  and you layout whatever you have to say. 

When you start out like this, and when you really mean what you say, you convey to the other person the following: Firstly you were being a good listener & actually listening to what they have to say. And secondly, that they were actually making some great points worth listening to!

Giving and receiving knowledge

Being a good listener signals to the other person to open up to what your points as well and they would be much more inviting to your points of view, given any subject matter. 

Plus, both of you would be feeding off of each other’s knowledge and be better because of it.  This is similar to brainstorming, where a group of people are open to everyone’s ideas, however ridiculous they might sound. And then they work off of all ideas to come up with a better collective idea. Everyone is better because of that at the end of the conversation. And everyone is more knowledgeable because of the sharing of that wealth of information.

The final words

And as the saying goes, “The less you know, the more you think you know”. So always be open to new ideas that will challenge your own ideas.  Be prepared to change your point of view after carefully weighing out new ideas that may challenge your long-held beliefs.  Even if you might think those ideas are 100% correct!  And you will be a better person for it.

Practice this the next time you have a dialogue with anyone, for a healthier & open conversation.

That’s it for this blog post!  What other points do you think that can make you a better listener?  Write your thoughts in the comments section below.  And as always, have a great one!